Meet Your Inner Family

Meet Your Inner Family

By Autumn Robida

Have you ever had the thought “part of me is ready to move forward, but another part is scared?” It’s a very human experience to have these kind of “conflicting” emotions, thoughts, and sensations. But what if they were not actually in conflict at all? What if these different “parts” of you all actually shared the same goal? What if they were all trying to keep you safe and protect you from pain, but they just can’t always agree on the best way to go about that? According to a powerful form of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS), that’s actually how your mind works. We all have these various “parts” that are members of our rich and complex “internal family.” And just as in a healthy family system, each member is a valued part of the team and has an important role to play to keep things running smoothly. This is where you meet your inner family.

However, it can be difficult to make friends with the parts of ourselves that we may dislike or the parts that seem to cause distress. How are parts like anxiety, an inner critic, or sadness trying to protect us from experiencing pain when it seems like they are causing it? The truth is, even these parts of ourselves that we may label as “negative” are still trying to help- they can just get a little “off the rails” at times. Understanding this and embracing all of our parts without judgment could be the key to helping us feel more balanced and whole.

What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

Internal Family Systems believes a simple-yet-profound idea: we are made up of different “parts,” and every part has a purpose. Think of it like an internal family or team. Just like in any family, some members are loud, some are quiet, some are peacekeepers, and others might act out in an attempt to figure out their place. IFS teaches us that there are “no bad parts” and each one carries important messages for us.

At the center of it all is your “Self.” The Self embodies the “8 C’s”- a sense of compassion, clarity, creativity, connection, curiosity, calm, courage, and confidence. We might also know that we are connected with our Self state when we feel connected to the “5 P’s” of the Self, which includes a sense of playfulness, patience, perspective, persistence, and presence. Basically, we all have this beautiful Self at the core of our being that can help guide us and connect us to what helps us feel fulfilled and whole, and it cannot be damaged, tainted, or removed in any way. IFS believes that your Self inherently has all of the tools, knowledge, and awareness you need to navigate life and understand, heal, and harmonize your inner parts. The goal of IFS is to be “Self-directed,” meaning we want The Self to be the one ultimately calling the shots.

Now you may be thinking “wait a second- if this Self is in all of us, why don’t I always feel these warm fuzzy feelings? Why do I experience pain and discomfort if I have all of these great tools within me?” Well, this is where our parts come in. It is important to remember that our parts want what is best for us, but sometimes when certain parts are active and get big and loud, the Self can get drowned out. Your Self is always there and can be accessed again, but when parts take over it’s like they are suddenly “in the driver’s seat” and The Self can get pushed to the back of the bus at times. When this happens it is often difficult to access that wonderful Self knowledge, and now we are being led by parts. But The Self knows that each part is trying to help and they will inevitably arise at times, so it is important to take the time to listen to our parts, validate their existence, and allow them to express themselves. After showing our parts some love, we can take the Self stance to know what is going to be best for us moving forward.

What Happens in an IFS Therapy Session?

In an IFS session, your therapist will guide you in gently tuning into your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. You might be invited to “meet” a part- like your anxious part or your angry part- and get curious about it. The goal is not to fight with or silence the part, rather we try to listen to it, understand it, and ultimately help it unburden whatever pain it’s carrying. Just like people, these parts of us want to be heard and validated. It’s kind of like turning down the noise in your head and learning to hold a conversation with these parts, slowing down and giving them the attention they deserve.

For example, that inner critic that constantly tells you you’re not good enough? With IFS, you might explore what it’s trying to protect you from. Maybe when this part says something like “wow, what you did just now was really weird and embarrassing” it is not just a jab, but an attempt to help you learn from your behavior so you don’t have to feel that embarrassment again in the future. Maybe it thinks that it can help you avoid making “mistakes” later if it highlights the ones you’ve already made, which (though it may not always go according to their plan) is a kindness this part is trying to do for you. But when parts like this arise, rather than listening we often want them to go away and we try to distract ourselves or silence them somehow. Which makes sense- no one wants to sit in the discomfort of feeling criticized! But with compassion and understanding you can help these parts feel understood, and hopefully this means they can relax and find a healthier role in your internal system.